common law

i've been getting quite the education on proper codes of conduct between the sexes within the boundaries of marriage. i come from one of those dilapidated relationship structures that i have been repairing since my first boyfriend at age 14. perhaps we all go through a process of redesigning our understanding of love, having certainly been wounded (or at least misinformed) by the relationship(s) we witnessed our parents endeavor.

because i so explicitly watched my parents' marriage dissolve with such painful and unfortunate dabblings with infidelity, i have been carrying the burden of their pain for many years. specifically my father. i was his mule as he climbed out of the deep, deep hole of mourning. i carried all sorts of goodies: mistrust, anger, fear and an overarching certainty that i would never ever get married. i eventually mistook this baggage as my own and started weilding it in my relationships like a very sharp knife that has unnecessarily accused and cut some very genuine souls.

so when i half-heartedly conquered my fear and accepted to marry the love of my life, to my surprise i discovered i was still the mule carrying around all that baggage for my parents. my poor husband! i didn't know that when i say 'i love you', i am including all the misinformation about love i have acquired. like 'love can't truly be trusted' and 'this love could end, even though it begins beautifully.'

i had to almost deceive myself in order to get married. i had to tell myself that marriage would be some kind of jedi force field that protected both partners from the wiles of attraction and seduction. marriage would be my saving...what? what is marriage? it's a moment that lasts as long as we both shall live. it's the chemical combustion of two individuals, creating an entirely new entity.

which says nothing of our bodily senses, our attractions, our very humannness. i didn't want to believe that my husband could be attracted to another woman. in order for me to trust marriage, i had to believe that was impossible. more shocking even than the truth that my man could be hot for a woman, is the truth that i can find another man attractive! what atrocity is this! what evil person could come in with their dirty boots and trample the pristine fallen snow of my marriage? but those people aren't evil at all...they just exist as i do, and they are just going about their lives as i do. and in our humanness, in the invisible sinews of energy that propel and guide us to another person, we find ourselves still as vulnerable to making grave mistakes as ever.

so...proper codes of conduct between the sexes. walking the razor's edge. eye contact for 4.5 seconds and no more. at least a six inch margin around my body at all times. choosing not to engage with the person that is obviously attracted. i understand the arab wife, eyes downcast, head covered, body engulfed in long garments.

and yet that's not the answer either. we can acknowledge another person's attractiveness. we can even enjoy their charm, their wit. to hide is to strengthen desire. stand bare-breasted in the sun. did you catch the spark in her eye? it's only god, it's just me. it's only you.