on the subject of infidelity

my mom brought to my attention the interconnectedness of 'infidel' and 'infidelity.' Infidel literally translates as 'one without faith,' while infidelity is the 'quality of being unfaithful.' it's striking that a similar definition of this breech of contract is 'unfaithful.' there is an element of complete faith that, if not fostered by both partners, will lead to an act of unfaithfulness. i've spent years of my life fearing betrayal, imagining its insidious glance inside every motive of my partner, living as 'one without faith'. lo and behold...

just ask and you will receive. every thought is a question raised to the universe that WILL be answered!

then there is the aspect of soul work, that tireless journey that sometimes feels like i'm being dragged through a dense mountain.


"And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,--seeking the spheres, to
connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form'd--till the ductile anchor
hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul."
--whitman

that's just it...my soul caught somewhere, and it was with you, two candles melting into each other. our work is so connected! it makes me want to barf and sing praise at the same time! almost everything about us is the mirror opposite of the other. i was comforted to read that the brain works in this kind of opposing relationship. the left brain taking care of all the things the right brain couldn't even imagine doing, and vise versa. our beings are infused and, in fact formed through, the dynamic interplay of such polarities. i pray the dark, fertile unknowing of all our unexposed characteristics can be rooted in the good faith that we are committed, not so much to each other, but to the great knowing within us all.

new frontiers

it's not so much the job as the spirit with which we do the job, the integrity that bolsters each move. steady as she goes. i've been thinking about my favorite john lennon tune 'watchin the wheels', which i first started listening to at age 4 when my ears were level with the 9 inch speakers in my dad's '65 GMC. and from my four-year-old mind i imagined a person thoroughly entertained by watching wheels, like the mesmerizing effect of a spinning windmill. then as i got a little older, i imagined john wanting to unplug from the 'merry-go-round' of the music industry. but just two nights ago, i was outside looking up at a glittering dome of stars and i heard the Voice arise, the voice of ancestors and spirits past whispering suspicious thoughts and shaking out the spare change in my belly. and then i panned out above the Voice and watched this mechanism as if separate from me, which in truth it is. i was 'watchin the wheels' of my thinking as opposed to 'riding on the merry-go-round' of my neurosis. sometimes you gotta get gospel on it and command with divine authority "get behind me satan!"

la marriage

there it is again!
like a crescent moon slice of darkness,
she appears as if from nothing at all.
i am at once her servant and slave,
a mere tress in the wind.

if i could i would devour,
leaf by leaf your naked tree
and leave you standing
with only the whisper of wind
and the ache of wanting.

riding the moon

there's something virginal about making love after my moon cycle is complete.
something so untouched and pristine, every breath feels like a new beginning.
making senses through primordial shedding,
a deep abiding surrender to that which is bigger than me.

polyisocyanurate

blank and even blanker than that is the emptiness before the virgin. all life long pouring out, 'till the gossamer thread catch somewhere, till the ductile anchor hold...' we are loosely fit puzzle pieces, linked so inextricably to the next event and yet like candles in the dark, we can only see to the canopy edge of our thinking, neglecting the infinite world beyond. when i think of someone, is that person thinking of me too? what if i'm thinking about meg ryan or shakespeare? they most likely aren't thinking about me, so this theory is obviously flawed. then why do i still believe it? i've experienced the aching, or more like gnawing, feeling in my core when i think of someone. is that sensation a validation of the reciprocation somewhere out in the ether, our spirits meeting? it gets weird and even weirder than that is knowing that there is so much more going on here.

the missing link

a james taylor record on a sunday morning, hot coffee, children in the sun...i miss my family, my parents. i want them near to enjoy the simple joys of life, to see my kids running around in footed pajamas, spinning dance circles around the living room "winter spring summer or fall, you've got a friend." oh strange world we live in, separated by the option of living apart. in the old days (and in many countries present-day), generations of families lived together for better and worse. the idea of each family member building their own independent worlds was unthinkable. oh abundant universe, hear my prayer -- bring my family near.