lonely

who would have known? in a world of too many dishes and a schedule of naps and poops and dreamless sleep...who would have known that my life would have turned out this way. i chose at each and every turn, and this overwhelmed frustration should not be misunderstood as regret. if anything, my children have added two moments of unadulterated joy for every challenge.

it's when things get, you know, strained in the marital department that nothing seems to make any sense. if the roots start to rot, the leaves and branches can only blow in the wind for so long before they give up their clinging hope, and drop noiselessly to the ground, resigned to another round of becoming nothing only to become something again. when things aren't right between us, the whole picture is lopsided, twisted, illegible and scattered.

i know of the loneliness that reaches those on the solo mission. what i'm just being introduced to is the kind of loneliness that finds you with an insignificant ring on your finger and a bed a thousand miles wide. this kind of loneliness is made of sideways kisses and hours of difficult conversations that don't bring resolve because the issue is so fundamental, so core, that it is perhaps something that won't change at all.

how many walk this line of 'is it worth fighting for?' and for how long? how does one handle the issue of loving someone so much but in that person, there's one detail that's indigestible? and what if that detail is not so insignificant, but rather colors the entire love experience? am i looking for perfection? do i have to shove this issue into the bag of 'things i just have to accept'? i don't think i can, at least that's what my heart says after months of asking. but what ill is this short-sighted love? how limited is my scope for loving! i'm no perfect specimen, i've had my share of real life dramas. and when i was haggard and broken, you were there with an unswerving love. but the answer was clear then, and i made a definite decision away from the source of that spirit destruction. if you made that decision, my love would be there too...but perhaps your soul is still sweet on seduction and until the power of love is greater than power itself, we might be better as friends. i can only petition for so long, sitting as we are as long-forsaken friends separated by the confession screen in a wooded grove of unborn consciousness. at some point, we will either close and lock the door, or open it and let new life emerge.